Breaking News: Some things in life can only happen to me

For the first time I feel as though this blog was worth something. In a recently deleted entry I was able to voice my heart on a situation and much to my personal joy is dealt with. For anyone who read the post, know that I love my brother very much, I made some wrong assumptions about the situation and while all may not be good with work, things are good in my heart with Josh because I know where he was coming from. And now back to me making a fool of myself through this blog.

Yesterday as I stood outside talking with a co-worker a funny story came to mind about my senior year prom. I was a senior, and prom was supposed to be one of the best nights in your young life. I don’t know if this was the best night of my life, but it ended up being one of the funniest.

I got dressed in my tux and headed out to a friend’s house to pick him up and then we were to go meet the girls for the dinner/picnic we had planned for them. I was looking quite sharp and had rented my friends BMW 318 I cherry red convertible with ground effects and sweet rims. I was feeling like the biggest pimp driving down the road with the top down and cruising in my tux. I arrive at my friends’ house and was greeted by a hug from his mom. As she pulls away she notices a white spot on my shoulder, “What’s that on your shoulder?” she asks me. I turn and look, my eyes bulge, bird poop! As I was pimping the ride I got pimped by a freaking bird. There was a huge turd on my shoulder.

Black tux, white poop stain does not look all that good. I called the tux shop and told them that there was a stain on my jacket that I hadn’t noticed when I picked up the tux. I was told by the woman that they were closing in 10 minutes and if I could make it to the shop on time they would replace the jacket for me. I jump in the car and fly down to the rental house. Still open! I run in and told them I was the one on the phone with the “stain”. By this time we had tried to clean it off so it resembled a chalk mark. The lady took one look at the jacket and said. “HMMM it looks like its just chalk.” She then rubbed the mark, licked her fingers, and rubbed the mark some more. I said, “Yeah it looks like chalk” she continued to lick her fingers and rub out the stain to no avail. Her partner brought out a new Jacket for me and I said my thanks and took off, while the woman was still licking her fingers and rubbing the “chalk stain”

I got to the car and almost died laughing with my friend at what we had just witnessed. The rest of the night was pretty fun as well. Right up until the point when some jerk who will remain nameless asked my date for a back massage at the after party. I got pissed at him and left shortly thereafter. This was my prom and I got pooped on by a bird. This could only happen to me.

Wait no more, I am back.

I love finding double standards in my life. I find them quite entertaining to be honest. I am not talking about huge issues in life such as, God, abortion, sex, euthanasia, NBA officiating, I’m talking about things that drive me crazy today but tomorrow I will find enjoyably funny. Such as my rant about peer influence, I hate it when it comes between an obnoxious movie review or a terrible hit song, but find it extremely entertaining……. Well whenever I am the influence!

Here is an example of what I am talking about. Everyone saying Napoleon Dynamite was the funniest movie ever drove me insane (Read blog post #1 for full detail as to why), clearly Dumb and Dumber is the pinnacle of comedy, It is only perceived as this because a couple of people said it was funny and the movie was different than anything else at the time, so everyone liked it. If you think I am wrong just watch the movie by yourself and try not to get bored. The Napoleon Dynamite buzz was all created by peer influence, thus I hate it….. or do I?

Last week I went on a trip to Coronado Island, California, with me was about 40 high school seniors as well as a handful of adults. As the hours passed and the nights got later boredom gave way to my peer influence. I devised a brilliant game called: what happens in room 51 stays with me and anyone else I want to tell who was not in room 51(I am still working on the title of the game.) It basically involved me asking one of the students would they rather questions, once they answered all I did was ask them to prove it. Obviously this could not be your typical, would you rather have no arms or no legs, seeing as I was not about to start cutting people up. It involved physical things, such as, would you rather get punched in the face or have five- five star slaps on the back? Would you rather suck someone’s toe or lick their lower back? Would you rather….you get the idea.

Here is the brilliance of this idea, there was truly nothing forcing these kids…. I mean young adults, to do what I asked of them. If they refused I would have moved on to the next one, but every single person agreed to do what was asked of them, sometimes it took a little bit of coaxing but never physical force or verbal bashing. Simply my peer influence on them had them doing whatever I deemed funny for the moment. Seriously, I have never been more amazed at what people were willing to do, simply because I would have been slightly disappointed. There was even a time when a couple of people said, “How come you didn’t ask me one yet?” Amazing! I guess peer influence is awesome as long as I am the influence.

Another side note to add on here, watching people spin around until they are dizzy is hilarious. And the game cops and mafia is no longer enjoyable, it has run it’s full course and the card game should now be banned and left to real life stuff. Trust me everyone needs the mafia.

Seeing as this has become longer than anticipated I will end with a list of my top 3 comedies of all time and return soon with more hypocrisy from my life later.

3. South Park Bigger, Longer, Uncut. (get past how wrong it is, and see how right it is)

2. There’s Something About Mary (never laughed so hard at a movie the first time I saw it)

1. Dumb and Dumber (Find me someone funnier than Jim Carrey, I dare you)

Little kid syndrome

I love the fact that some people are so extremely loyal that they actually lose all sense of reality with their point of view. This seems no more prominent than in the world of sports, cars and video games. First off I am a die hard sports fan, ask my girlfriend (I’m surprised she hasn’t left over this fact yet, and I have actually done a great job keeping sports off my blog, but no more.) I love the Suns and everything else that conjures up a good sweat that occurs here in Phoenix. But I am very realistic, the Suns lost Joe Johnson last night to basically a fractured cheek. No one knows how long he will be out for, thus I no longer know if the Suns can make a run at the title. (This is how a true sports fan keeps things real)

On the other side of the spectrum you have people who love their team so much that they have no sense of reality. Example: Talking to a die hard Brewer’s fan the other day who was saying that loosing Lyle Overbay for an extended amount of time would really ruin their playoff chances. If you don’t know anything about sports, you still know the Brewers suck. Their playoff chances were ruined the day Robin Yount retired, about 12 years ago.

Cars, cars are great I love them they go fast. Some cars suck (Cavalier) some cars rule (M5) some cars are ok (Altima) but I don’t get the people who take such a liking to only one brand of car and then say everything that is not made from manufacturer A is crap. There is seriously nothing funnier, and more annoying, than listening to a Chevy fan tell a Ford fan how great the Z-71 Silverado is, to only hear the Ford fan come back with. “dat truck aint got no nuds, you wanna c a truck dat beets da carp out of dat dere, den loock no furder than the F-250.” They exchange back and forth and usually end up in a tire toss challenge followed by going inside and making up over a Budweiser and some NASCAR. (Don’t get me started on this “sport”ing debacle. Turn left, okay good, now turn left, alright your looking good, now turn left….) Here’s the bottom line car companies make good cars and some bad ones as well, if you driving a bad one it could be worse, you could be riding the bus. If you’re riding the bus it could be worse, you could be…… never mind the bus sucks.

Thus bringing us to video games. These joyous things rank only behind God, family and sports. (My girlfriend fits somewhere on the list….. I swear) I am an avid PS2 fan, the games they make for that system are just awesome. I also enjoy the Gamecube from time to time as well as a good game of Halo on the X-Box. Video games are supposed to be fun, that is why I have never understood the folk who say the X-Box is better because it has a hard drive and this and that (insert all the hardware for the system here) WHO CARES, I just want to play games! I don’t care what a system can and can’t do; I want to play a fun game and whatever that system it happens to be played on, I will play that system. This has never been more apparent then when I bought a PSP. This is probably the greatest gadget I have ever seen! It blows me away how cool it is. But you have your Gameboy fans that refuse to admit that the PSP is amazing. They say things like, “The load times are terrible.” Yeah so what. “Well the thing is that.. (Insert whatever else they can think of here)” Blah blah blah, if something is fun, than play it and accept that’s its cool. Get over the fact that your favorite company has not made something that compares and enjoy what technology has made.

Don’t get wrong I think loyalty is a great thing, and so does every manufacturer in the world for that matter, but please don’t let it breed ignorance.

I thought to myself; Self

In my continuing quest to make people laugh I was struggling with I could publish to induce the chuckles that I love so much when I thought to myself; self, what makes me laugh? To which I replied to myself, “Well self, I make myself laugh.” So I think (thus I know I am still alive, or something like that) it is time to unveil a list of my most embarrassing moments. Since I am neither bashful nor easily embarrassed this will undoubtedly be a short list of…….. Well one, I can only think of one time I was thoroughly embarrassed

I was having lunch at a bagel joint in Tempe, a simply wonderful city you truly must visit if you have never been, and I ordered my usual turkey bagel sandwich lightly toasted with provolone cheese. (I can hear John now mmmmmmmm…… toasted) The inside was full so I headed outside to a spare no expense plastic table and chairs covered by a nice little umbrella that never really blocked the sun. I set my food down and emptied my pockets (I was working at a bank and was wearing slacks that day, needless to say very little pocket room to carry keys, wallet, Zack Morris style cell phone, and pack of gum.) Whoever was at the table before I showed up was reading the latest edition of the New Times. I threw my phone on the table and sat down to enjoy my lunch. I was seated just outside the front door to the bagel entrance.

Just then a couple of pretty girls (that’s sounds kind of creepy) walked up to the lunch joint and looked at me at the table, then looked at each other and started laughing then proceeded into the shop. I immediately thought I had something on my face or shirt or something. I wiped my face with a napkin, clean; I searched my shirt for crumbs, also clean. I then ignorantly thought to myself they must have had an inside joke that was pretty funny. Note to self; any time a girl looks at you and laughs, not an inside joke! I continued with my lunch dismissing what had happened and another girl, also extremely attractive, walks up looks at me sitting at the table and starts giggling. Alright I thought something is definitely not right with this table. I stand up and survey the table, and then I see what was so funny.

When I threw my cell phone on the table it landed directly on the new times that I sat in front of. The New Tomes was opened to the personal ads and across the top, in like size 1.5 million print, were the words MEN SEEKING MEN. It was then that I realized that it looked like I was sitting there making calls to men who were lonely for other men. Needless to say I packed the rest of my lunch and headed back to the break room at work to finish my lunch.

Stories like these are too precious to hold inside, so as son as my lunch was up I had to tell my good friend Barb who then made me tell everyone else that I worked with.

With that said, I am challenging all bloggers to post their most embarrassing moment for their next entry.

Soon I will get back to writing about the things that irk me in this world, like how everyone has an intuitive inability to not follow others.

I was afraid this day might come

This world simply has gone too far, earlier today I stopped by the local Wendy’s for a nice little snack. Much to my dismay things at Wendy’s have gone terribly awry. For years I have frequented the local burger joint and enjoyed the wonderful world of the $.99 value menu. As I approached the fine Hispanic worker named Jesus I ordered my usual quarter pound double stack with cheese (easily the best and most affordable burger anywhere around), he asked if I would like anything else, to which I replied, “no thanks that’s all for today.” I pulled out my dollar and seven cents, “that will be a dollar sixty one sir.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Was Jesus actually serious? Had the one great thing left in this world truly left me? I looked up in amazement at the menu, and much to my chagrin it was up there, 1/4lb dbl stack w/ chz $1.49. I was so stunned I actually reached into my pocket and found some more change and paid for what used to be a beautiful thing, and now leaves this bitter but so good taste in my mouth. It was at this point that I realized there is nothing sacred in this Corporate America we live in today.

There is no doubt that Dave Thomas is rolling in his grave. I saw the commercials, he was proud to offer the value menu, it made him smile. This does bring to mind what had to be a wonderful board meeting at Wendy’s Inc. Picture it; the new boss sitting smug in his chair as he revealed his evil plans to slowly remove the value menu. While the last remaining board member from Dave’s era sat there in disarray saying, “Dave would not have ever let something like this.” and “You know Dave would never approve of this.” The new bastard would look old man river in the eyes and say, “ I was afraid you might feel that way, so forgive me for having to do this” He pulls a lever and in storms security to remove the final beacon of light from the premises.

Here’s the issue, if for so many years it only cost a dollar, then how can you justify raising the price? In the fast food world things never get more expensive, they always come down in price. I find it hard to believe that Wendy’s was loosing 50 cents, or any amount of money at that, every time they sold a burger. But reality has sunk in now, and I am left with no choice but to see if I can find another 99-cent burger that can bring so much joy in such a little package.

My Wednesdays are your Mondays

Wednesdays, here at palmercat blog, shall now be known as either tidbit day or weekend roundup. We will let the jury decide. Up first is the woman from Georgia who got “cold feet” just days before her wedding. Rather than letting her loving groom know she was a little nervous about the commitment, she took off. I mean TOOK OFF! She jumped in a car and drove to New Mexico, I know what your thinking, and yes there is a New Mexico, and called the Georgia police and faked her own kidnapping. First thing that comes to mind when hearing this situation, talk about bad long term planning. What was she going to do next? Come up with some insane story about how she was able to somehow escape her captors and flee to N.M.? Or that she was taken to N.M. and through a serious of taps on a wall Jorge, the neighbor’s eight year old deaf mute son, came to her rescue. The other thing that makes me chuckle is that all over the news they kept saying that she got “cold feet”, after seeing her picture on the news we all know that “cold feet” clearly was not the cause. As Chris Rock would say, “Whatever happened to crazy?” This woman is obviously crazy. I think far too often when things happen we look for all kinds of reasons why, how come we never just accept the fact that some people are just plain crazy. Even more maddening is the fact that her jilted groom is still willing and wanting to go through with the wedding. Some people just belong together.

Wednesday's pet peeve of the day is people smoking without using their hands. I am not a big fan of smoking in the first place, but I do accept the fact that people get easily addicted to these things, so I see how smoking has survived as long as it has. (Funny how smoking has lasted longer than anyone who has ever done it, only in this sick little world can something kill you and people knowingly continue to partake in it. If I told you that I was going to kill you if you went to the movies tonight, and you knew I was serious, there is no way in hell you’re going to the movies tonight. Yet the government put a label on the box that clearly says that smoking can cause cancer and cancer causes death and yet no one seems to care. Truly baffling.) Now that I have ruined the essence of this paragraph I conclude with this; if you are going to smoke all I ask is that you a) Not blow it in my general direction and b) Use your freaking hands to hold the damn thing when blowing out the smoke. Are you truly so lazy that you cannot use your hands to hold a cigarette for ten seconds, I am tired of seeing this schmo outside my window at work everyday continue to inhale and exhale from his cigarette while it sits on one side of his mouth. Some things just for appearance sake don’t look right; midgets wearing gangster clothes (Verne Troyer), Guys wearing girls pants (50% of high school kids and 100% of “emo” kids), and people smoking without holding their cigarette (weird guy who works in the office above me).

Finally I leave you with this, if your wife ever asks you if a dress makes her look fat (or any question along these lines) the answer is:

No it doesn’t, and I married you not the dress.