I need some cheese

For anyone who has ever worked out and complained how sore they are the next day, and by some mistake voiced their whining to me, thus received a fine dosing of insults from me, I want to say, I’m sorry. I worked out for the first time in my life on Monday (For those who know me, I know that may come as a huge surprise) and let me say I am so freaking sore right now. Monday I worked out with a “trainer” (They should be called “those bastards who look way better than I do”) and we killed my legs. The next day I woke up and was sore. So what did I do, I headed to the gym again to play basketball and meet with another trainer for another session.

I was playing a great game of basketball (this means I was dominating my man, and I was) and was thinking after I work out with Ryan, my trainer, I will come back and get in another game before I go home. Little did I realize that when I was done with Ryan I wouldn’t be able to lift my hands to the steering wheel, let alone hoist a basketball up into a 10 foot cylinder. Its funny to me how ridiculous the mental idea of most sports are, but when played are tremendously fun. Think about it, you meet a person of the coast of Ubangi-Bangi who has never heard of sports before and try and explain to them your favorite sport. I think this could be a reality T.V. show, you send American contestants out to third world countries and if they explain a sport, such as baseball, to a person and the person actually wants to play, you win. Considering most sports involve throwing random things at other random things or hitting things with sticks, I would say 1 out of 10 people would win. Could you imagine having to explain curling to an Ethiopian!

You: Ok the game is played on ice…..

Starving Marvin: Ice?

You: you have to sweep the ice with these little brooms……

S.M.: Sweep Ice?

You: If your stone stops in any circle you get whatever points that circle is worth.

S.M.: Ice?

Anyways I am so sore. I can barely reach my mouth with my hands. I am hoping the pain goes away tonight so I can hit the gym again tomorrow for some more pain. I know this sounds retarded but I made a commitment (yes I can make them to myself just not anyone else in my life) to stick this out and get in good shape. One last random side note, why are there handicapped spaces at a gym? Seriously, why!

Throw me the motherboard I'm open!

As promised (the last thing I would ever want to do is lie to the people who spend time reading my crap….. beautiful writings) here are some more entertaining moments from this past weekend.

The wedding party was a rare scene to see. This was the first wedding I had been to or been a part of where all the groomsmen were either married or in a relationship and some bridesmaids were single. Normally it is the other way around. After all, one of the jobs of the groom is to try and hook up one of his desperate friends with one of the hot lonely bridesmaids. This did not happen, and the rehearsal dinner was hilarious. Here is an excerpt from one conversation:

Me: So, are you guys (girls) excited to dance tomorrow night?

Bridesmaids 1, 2, 3: NO!

Bridesmaid #1: Were single, this sucks!

Bridesmaid #2: I don’t think I can handle this!

Bridesmaid #3: (sat silent staring at her plate, echoing the cries of her friends in her head.)

It’s funny to sit at a table surrounded by beautiful single girls, and they were, and hear them complain about being single. Every ……. most girls should know that they are only single by choice. If they want a boyfriend they could have one, especially these three. Men are the most insecure creatures that walk this world, if a pretty girl shows some interest that would be enough to spur us into pursuit, but when a girl who is out of our league, as most are, sits back and wants to be pursued it is going to take a lot of time.

This was also the first wedding I was a part of where I was not surrounded by the “technologically advanced”, it was nice to throw a football around (everywhere we went), Drink beer and smoke pipes, hit a wiffle ball in our hotel room, eat at some dirty restaurant called Loafing Levi’s (named after a dog). I think that every groom should have to select a friend to be a groomsman that fits inside of one of the following categories (people who filled the role during this wedding): Ladies Man (Holtz), Musically Talented (Tim #1), Jackass (Me), Coolest (Keith), Band Mate (Eric), “Who’s That Guy” (Tim #2). Scotty did a great job of following this model to a T, and that what probably made this weekend so much fun.

Finally this brings us to our motel rooms. The groomsmen stayed at motel about 5 minutes away from the lodge where the bride, bridesmaids, and everyone else stayed at. (That tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding is why we stayed at the motel.) We walk into the first room; it was as if everyone who had stayed there for the last 25 years had smoked a carton of cigarettes in the room with the windows closed. The carpet was light brown, the walls were probably once white, and the window shades were light blue. We went upstairs to our other room and swing the door expecting the same, but got the most wonderful surprise. Blue walls with random fish paintings, the bed sheets were ocean styled, and above the beds was a fishing net with a couple of stuffed crabs and fish inside of it. Apparently they have a theme for every room. Upstairs was the ocean theme and downstairs was the ashtray theme, or as Scotty called it, the ass-tray theme.

Like I said before it was a great time up in Pinetop Arizona and I am grateful to Scotty and Bre for letting me be a part of their special day. I also want to give a shout out to B.A.B. for doing a great job during the wedding.

Y'all ganna make me act a fool

Weddings are funny things, the people involved are usually way too stressed out to enjoy what is going on, and the people who attend are there for free food and to meet someone. (Weddings after all are a great place to meet girls, for the simple fact that single girls who attend are so jealous and lonely that they would give a chance to any male breathing and is capable of talking to them.) I was in a wedding this past weekend and let me say; I had a great time. This was easily the most fun I have had at any wedding. The bride was chill, the groom was…. Excited and everyone involved was enjoying the day. (The brides mom did a ton! This surely helped to calm the bride.)

I have always been a very relaxed guy, I may not have ever been stressed in my life, and I want to be like that on my wedding day. This probably why a lot of people get drunk on their big day, but I am capable of pulling it off sober. I want to enjoy the day, whether its hanging with guys, taking pictures, the ceremony, more pictures, the reception, more pictures, the dances, more pictures, smashing cake on my brides face (Yes I am going to do this and no there is no such thing as a truce when it comes to this.) more pictures, and driving off in our recently vandalized car while some pictures are taken. I want to relax and enjoy this day with my friends and family and hundreds of other people who I have never met but bring me gifts. The problem is that this rarely happens. My sister was surprisingly calm on her day but still rushed, than this weekend came and my boy got it right. Everything they did they enjoyed. It was awesome; it gave me new hope for my day.

Here is a list of some of my favorite moments from the weekend,

Moment #1 of the weekend was the fact that the bride thought I was the funniest guy she had ever met. I have no idea why she thinks this way, but she does, so I figured I would put on a show. And I did. The best part was that the crazier I got the funnier she thought I was. There was a point that I recall thinking to myself: man I am being an idiot right now. Yet at that point the bride hugged me and said, “You’re the freaking funniest person ever, I am so glad you are a part of my wedding.” I thought about looking at the Palmercat Gal, who spent much of the night shaking her head at me, and saying, “Do you like apples?”

Moment #2 was battling for the garder, lined up were probably 20 desperately single guys all fighting for the chance to say, “I caught that lacey thing that was around the bride’s upper thigh, and I wore it on my head!” It went in there over my head, but I jumped and tipped it straight up almost grabbed it and it was poked in the air further by someone’s cane, it fell to the ground I saw my opportunity. I dove (I was in the wedding so I was in a nice tux) with my hands fully reached out, I felt a significant weight upon me, I grabbed it and the wrestling match began. Needless to say I won, and yes I wore it on my head.

Moment #3 was watching white Christian guys dance. I do not for one second think that I can dance. I do find it fun to make a complete fool of myself though. But here’s why white Christian guys dancing is so funny: the easiest way to dance is to bump and grind and get freaky. This is not exactly the most applauded or accepted dance at a wedding dominated by good Christian folk. Some of the guys were undoubtedly thinking, man if I could only hump this girls leg (this is of course what dancing in this generation of hip-hop has become) without anyone looking down on me. Truly an odd scene to be a part of but hilarious to sit back and watch knowing what was going through the guys minds.

Moment #4 sitting on the balcony of our motel room drinking beer, smoking pipe tobacco and talking with guys about….. well what do you think we talked about, sex!

There are a whole lot more funny moments I will share later, but like always this is way too long and will be surprised if anyone reads the entire post.

Women, Irrational?

I can’t resist the urge to write about irrational women any longer. I openly admit that this IS a complete generalization, however seemingly true more times than not. I also must add that the Palmercat Gal (my new name for my girlfriend) does not fall into this generalization for the simple fact that she is way too nice, and therefore generally doesn’t throw out unwarranted comments and is too cautious to do something stupid like the story that follows.

Yesterday as we were driving to lunch a woman flew by us while chatting on her cell phone. My first thought; women + cell phone + driving = bad news. Second thought; women + cell phone + driving + speeding = worse news. Third thought; men + cell phone + driving + speeding = some sort of emergency. (This is where my sarcasm meets my male pride) She was cruising, this is a completely normal thing to do here in Scottsdale, however Scottsdale has implemented cameras on streets that should you be going faster than the city wants, they will take your picture and then make you pay a fine. This is where she got into trouble, woman + cell phone + driving + speeding + photo radar = Fine. (Look mom you were right, life is all math!) And not fine as in I am doing fine, but as in you now owe the city $180. This whole ordeal brought about a loud chorus of cheers from the 4 men driving down the road who saw the freaking huge sign that read (this is where the irrational women part comes into play): SPEED LIMIT 45 M.P.H. PHOTO ENFORCED. I must admit that I had a rather enjoyable time watching her fly by us and then watching the flash from the 7 foot pole with a huge flash camera on top of it. But seriously huge sign + camera pole = slow down! You can speed up right after you pass the section.

Now this entry did not just come from the speeding incident yesterday but more so from an article on espn.com page 2 writer Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy. For anyone who likes sports (likes not loves) needs to read this guys stuff, he is way to funny to pass up. He posted an article that was all emails he received from his readers and responses to them. Here is 1 piece that I got the loudest chuckle out of:

Q: I was watching the final of "The Contender" when my wife made the observation, "Jesse Brinkley is way too hot to be married to that chubby girl." Without even thinking I blurted out, "Well, she probably didn't look like that when they got married." Somehow my wife took that comment to mean that I think she is getting fat. Are all women irrational or is it just my wife?
– JT, River Vale, N.J.

SG: Nope. It's not just your wife. During Monday night's "Miss Universe" telecast, I had the following exchange with the Sports Gal:

Me: Wow, between Miss Venezuela and Miss Peru, I think we need to take our next vacation in South America.

Her: Very funny.
(Ten-second pause where you can hear their wheels turning as they slowly became angry.)

Her: "You know, you're enjoying this show WAY too much. I wish they had these shows with guys."

Me: "Yeah, but there's one difference."

Her: "What's that?"

Me: "I wouldn't watch a Mr. Universe show with you. In fact, I would rather kill myself."
(Five-second pause as they're totally flustered by a flawless, logical statement, followed by the obligatory obscenity.)

When I read this I did not for one second think, wait that is not true, or hey man women....... He was right. Even now as I am finishing this up I can see all my female friends out there reading this going, he’s making a huge generalization and doesn’t even realize it!

If you want to read more of The Sports Guy go to http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/index